The Critics
by Dead Composer
Summary: Jay Sherman and Bart Simpson review the latest movies.
1. Help! My Son Is a Nerd!

**Welcome to Coming Attractions! I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Here with me today, all the way from Springfield, Massachusetts, is up-and-coming film critic Bart Simpson!**

Thanks, Jay. By the way, Springfield isn't in Massachusetts.

**Sorry, Bart. I meant to say Springfield, Illinois.**

Wrong again, Jay.

**Springfield, Missouri?**

Gettin' colder.

**Well, whatever state you're from, Bart, it's great to have you on the show. For those viewers who are wondering, I met Bart while judging at the Springfield Film Festival. He expressed an interest in becoming a film critic.**

Yeah, because then I can get into all the movies for free!

**Er, maybe I didn't explain that part well enough to you. As a film critic, you would have to watch _every_ movie that comes out.**

Even the ones that suck?

**Hehe. Well, Bart, how do you know if a movie, er, stinks if you haven't seen it?**

Everything's in the trailer, man. If the trailer sucks, the movie sucks.

**And what if the trailer doesn't…stink?**

Then it's your job to tell us if it sucks.

**Achem. Bart, you do realize that we're on national TV, and some viewers may be bothered by your use of the word 'sucks'.**

Sorry, Jay. I won't say 'sucks' anymore.

**Thanks, Bart. Now let's move on to our first feature…**

Is it okay to say 'booger'?

**Oy… Yes, Bart, you can say 'booger' all you want.**

What about 'wedgie'?

'**Wedgie' is acceptable too. Our first feature is the new Rainier Wolfcastle drama, "Help! My Son Is a Nerd!"**

Oh, man! That movie suck…er, succeeded at being a disaster. I give it three thumbs way down.

**I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you, Bart. Wolfcastle's performance was so convincingly emotional, it almost brought me to tears.**

I almost cried too, but only because my mom wouldn't let me buy another 64-ounce Pepsi. She thought I was trying to make myself have to pee so I could get out of the theatre.

**And Vin Diesel displayed extraordinary range as his misunderstood son. I couldn't believe it was him behind those Coke-bottle glasses.**

What happened to Vin Diesel, man? He used to be cool.

**Here's a short clip of Diesel…**

_I tried to be a star quarterback like you wanted, Dad. But my math grades were slipping. I had to do something to bring them up, or I'd face academic suspension. So I opened my algebra book and started studying. I can't quite remember what happened after that, but when I woke up the next morning, I was wearing these glasses…_

…**followed by a clip of Wolfcastle…**

_There are no words to express my anger and keep a PG rating! I thought I had raised you better than this! Consider our father-son relationship…terminated! Take your textbooks and get out of my house! And when you find a place to stay, give me your phone number so I can harangue you further!_

**Such pathos! Moments like this are what prompted me to become a film critic.**

Moments like this are what prompt me to wedgie every nerd I see.

**Achem…**

Last week I poured hot sauce down Martin's pants and gave him a wedgie. He fell on his butt and started rolling around and screaming. Nelson taped the whole thing. I'm sure he'd sell you a copy for a reasonable price. You could use it on your show in place of these lame movie scenes.

**Er, thank you very much, Bart. After this commercial break, we'll look at the first sequel of the summer sequel season, "Pirates of the Caribbean II: The Curse of the Rabid Fangirl"!**

Now _that's_ one for the ages, man.

_We're off the air, Jay._

**WHY, YOU LITTLE…!**


	2. The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professo...

**Welcome to Coming Fabtractions…er, Attractions. I'm your host, Jay Sherman.**

And I'm your co-host, Bart Simpson.

**Bart, I'm going to read some of the letters I received from the viewers after your last appearance on the show. "Dear Mr. Sherman. Bart Simpson is a riot. He is the perfect counterpart to your pompousness." It's _pomposity_, you illiterate yokel! "Dear Mr. Sherman. Please keep Bart on your show. He actually has good things to say about movies. As for you, please stop reviewing movies and get an honest job, or go live in a cave, I don't care." For your information, I lived in a cave while I was finishing graduate school, and I'll never do it again.**

The people have spoken, man.

**Sometimes I wish the people would shut up. Anyway, our first coming claptraption…er, attraction is "The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel." And believe me, the movie is as hard to watch as its title is to pronounce. Former A-list star Troy McClure produced, wrote, directed, starred in, and edited this baby, which he should have thrown out with the bathwater. Pardon the cliché, but, IT STINKS! The only positive thing I can say about this turkey is that he turned down the supporting lead in "McBain IV" in favor of it.**

Big mistake, man. All of Rainier Wolfcastle's sidekicks have sucked since then. Disco Stu in McBain IV, Brad Duffman in McBain V, Sara Sloane in McBain VI…

**My feelings about the atrocious, reprehensible, irredeemable McBain films are well-documented, so I won't repeat them. Now let's watch a clip from "Contrabulous Fabtraption", and you'll see what I mean when I say, "Oy…"**

_Whatcha got there, Professor Hufnagel?_

**_It's a Contrabulous Fabtraption, Timmy. It's like a Fantabulous Contraption, only with a few modifications so I don't get sued for patent infringement._**

_What does it do?_

_**It's like an airplane, only it travels through time instead of air.**_

_When I grow up, I wanna be a great scientist like you, Professor._

**The final Shyamalan-esque twist is easy to guess, if you've somehow managed to stay awake. I won't spoil it for the viewers.**

_**I have something to tell you, Timmy. I'm you from the future. And I'm really a woman. And a ghost.**_

**Stop the clip! STOP THE CLIP!**

I gotta agree with you on this one, Jay. I spent half the movie looking for the nearest exit. No, really, I couldn't find it.

**McClure's latest film begs the question, "How much CGI is too much?" I mean, did he really have to computer-generate the moon?**

Maybe it was a cloudy night.

**I remember Troy McClure from such films as "Captain Vivaldi's Violin" and "Good Will Fishing". I know he has enough talent to revive his career, if only he would stay in _front_ of the camera.**

And away from the aquarium.

**It's too bad his loveless sham of a marriage with Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz didn't last.**

Yeah, what happened to the days when a loveless sham of a marriage actually meant something?

**Next up on Coming Contrap…er, Attractions, we'll review a movie that bills itself as the "_Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead_ of romantic comedies". What happens when a man who was jilted by his fiancé when she met her "soulmate", meets a woman who was jilted by _her_ fiancé when _he_ met _his_ "soulmate"? Find out when we look at "A Lot Like Serendipity", right after this commercial break. Bart will still be here, so don't go away.**

_We're off the air, Jay_.

**I'm outta here. Bart, the show is yours**.


End file.
